Here I am
Back stuffed
Husband mad
Table broken
Door locked
Sunday blues ahead
There she is
At the airport
Off to Africa
Saving the world
Not a worry or a care
Who's got it better?
Me, married, tied down, job, ordinary arguments and dishes to do
She, single, unfettered, flying off to exotic lands to change the world
Whose life is more significant? I want to say hers is because I'm in self pity mode. Yet underneath my self pity I have to acknowledge that neither is more than the other.
Should we all be married? No. Should we all drop everything and leave it behind for the poor and the naked?
Yes. But there are those who are poor in love and naked in their pain right here who need someone too. And they are often right in the midst of our ordinary lives, among the dishes and appointments, the arguments and Sunday night blues.
The excitement of leaving it all behind, the adventure and adrenaline rush of flying off is so tempting for me. And seems the better, more exciting option.
And yet, I haven't been called to be Jesus' hands and feet just when it is fun. I have to do it also when I am sick of it all and craving what's on the other side of the fence. And I must see the lie for what it is; a deception that says everything BUT what I have right now is better and more fulfilling because I'm here at this moment of my life for a reason.
We cannot all possibly be the young, single, carefree girl flying to Africa to salve and heal and save the needy. But we must all be our true Selves in Him, in what we are living already; whether it be motherhood or singleness or marriage or career or divorce or none of the above. If this right now doesn't matter, then nothing matters. But if this right here, this ordinary life can be caught aflame, then it all matters.
All is grace.
Am I a fool? Does it all matter? Or just the exciting lives others seem to lead?
Tell me what you think - and why we shouldn't fall for the "Everything else is better than what you have" lie.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
The seeming insanity of faith
If nothing else he has the integrity to tell us up front he's going to do whatever he wants because he is God. I will tell of the most senseless thing he ever did: He showed up here. Not to do away with evil, but to deliver himself over to evil. Instead of showing up to rescue the victims and give the victimizers a sound whacking, he became a victim himself and let them and the plagues and sicknesses and heartaches all go on as if he'd never showed up at all. That is God, take him or leave him.
To take him or leave him is the essence of faith.
He says to us as he is being executed for being God, staring straight in the face of all our incoherence, dissolution and corruption, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Either he does or He doesn’t. And either we do or don't buy the resurrection, his promise that there is a vast and holy integrity to it all and we too will someday be redeemed from all this suffering.
For my money, in the end, even if the gospel is all a fairy tale hope at best or a damned lie at worst, it is still more attractive than the hopeless and ghastly promises the world hands me.
I admit I’m buying it
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Quarter of a century...
I turned 25 just recently.
Assuming I live to 100, I'm past the quarter of a century mark! Age is just a number and all that, and yet it's caused a fair amount of introspection over the last few weeks.
Have I achieved all that I set out to, by this age?
Am I the woman I always wanted to be? If not, am I becoming 'her'?
What do I want my life to look like in another 25 years? What do I want to be known for?
I wrote this in my new, red journal..."I want to be known as a woman who lives and speaks out the grace, the tenacious love and truth that has been shown to me. I want to call out oppression in all its forms - that as long as I am alive, I will be a voice for those who have none, who have no advocate.....someone who 'proclaims freedom for the prisoners, and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed and proclaim the year of the Lord's favour', just like Jesus did. He has called me to no less. To call out systemic and ingrained abuse, hatred, bigotry, and all that stands in opposition to his way of love and powerful grace."
My greatest fear is not becoming her, and slowly turning into a small version of this woman, a closed, fearful and insecure version of who I was meant to be.
There is so much more I wanted to post about. I had a whole blog post ready to go, but I feel it needs more thought. Too often I simply 'vent' and don't shape my writing; this one is about piling high the stones on the altar that testifies to love winning out in the end, about holding tight to moments that proclaim the triumph of good over evil.
Assuming I live to 100, I'm past the quarter of a century mark! Age is just a number and all that, and yet it's caused a fair amount of introspection over the last few weeks.
Have I achieved all that I set out to, by this age?
Am I the woman I always wanted to be? If not, am I becoming 'her'?
What do I want my life to look like in another 25 years? What do I want to be known for?
I wrote this in my new, red journal..."I want to be known as a woman who lives and speaks out the grace, the tenacious love and truth that has been shown to me. I want to call out oppression in all its forms - that as long as I am alive, I will be a voice for those who have none, who have no advocate.....someone who 'proclaims freedom for the prisoners, and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed and proclaim the year of the Lord's favour', just like Jesus did. He has called me to no less. To call out systemic and ingrained abuse, hatred, bigotry, and all that stands in opposition to his way of love and powerful grace."
My greatest fear is not becoming her, and slowly turning into a small version of this woman, a closed, fearful and insecure version of who I was meant to be.
There is so much more I wanted to post about. I had a whole blog post ready to go, but I feel it needs more thought. Too often I simply 'vent' and don't shape my writing; this one is about piling high the stones on the altar that testifies to love winning out in the end, about holding tight to moments that proclaim the triumph of good over evil.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Rosie the Riveter-inspired
I got lots of comments on this outfit today, so I wanted to post it up :) I haven't posted up outfit pics in a long time, which is ironic considering this blog had its beginnings as a 'fashion' blog.
I'm sure that most people thought I looked ridiculous, but I don't dress for them so that's okay by me!
I know I should be flexing the muscle, ala Rosie the Riveter, but did a salute instead? Don't know what the deal is with that.....
Pants; Salvos
Headscarf; Salvos
Top; Cotton On
Shoes; Payless
I'm sure that most people thought I looked ridiculous, but I don't dress for them so that's okay by me!
I know I should be flexing the muscle, ala Rosie the Riveter, but did a salute instead? Don't know what the deal is with that.....
Pants; Salvos
Headscarf; Salvos
Top; Cotton On
Shoes; Payless
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
So many conflicting beliefs, ideas, theories....and then....
He will come like last leaf’s fall.
One night when the November wind
has flayed the trees to bone, and earth
wakes choking on the mould,
the soft shroud’s folding.
He will come like frost.
One morning when the shrinking earth
opens on mist, to find itself
arrested in the net
of alien, sword-set beauty.
He will come like dark.
One evening when the bursting red
December sun draws up the sheet
and penny-masks its eye to yield
the star-snowed fields of sky.
He will come, will come,
will come like crying in the night,
like blood, like breaking,
as the earth writhes to toss him free.
He will come like child.
– Rowan Williams
One night when the November wind
has flayed the trees to bone, and earth
wakes choking on the mould,
the soft shroud’s folding.
He will come like frost.
One morning when the shrinking earth
opens on mist, to find itself
arrested in the net
of alien, sword-set beauty.
He will come like dark.
One evening when the bursting red
December sun draws up the sheet
and penny-masks its eye to yield
the star-snowed fields of sky.
He will come, will come,
will come like crying in the night,
like blood, like breaking,
as the earth writhes to toss him free.
He will come like child.
– Rowan Williams
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thoughts on marriage...from an inexperienced perspective
My siblings and I threw my parents a party on Saturday night. They've been married 25years, and we thought that was worthy of a celebration, so we booked a place, put down deposits, blew up balloons and danced and ate and laughed with them to say "thank you". Their marriage has weathered many a storm, beginning with their escape from Romania and subsequent separation from all that they had held dear. I can't imagine leaving my entire life behind, to begin a new one in a strange land with a husband I'd married 3 months earlier. You can imagine the amount of 'adjusting' that would have had to happen! But it got me thinking.....
I myself have only been married just over 3 years, so please, take all these 'thoughts' with a pinch....nay, a bowl of salt and know that I simply want to share some little lessons I've elarn along the way. (I fully acknowledge that this will make me face-palm and cringe with emabarassment in about 6 months time)
Yes, that's us - deliriously happy :)
I've learnt a few things about the reality of marriage that would have shocked and surprised that 21 year old in the picture. No doubt the 23 year old groom has had his fair share of shocks too!
1. It's only as fun as you make it.
Bear with me, each point might sound ridiculously cliched, but they're only cliches because they're true! I could have the most boring, draining, restrictive and repetitive marriage ever, if I wanted to. And without conscious effort, I have a sneaking suspicion that that's exactly what I will experience. Now, in saying that, it doesn't mean that everyday has to include expensive dinners or over-the-top displays of 'romance', new and improved 'surprises' or getaways, but it does mean making an effort to recast the mundane in a different light. Seeing a bike ride to the local shops as an excuse to race each other, winner takes all ('all' being whatever the winner wants), or blasting the music in the car nice and loud and singing along (getting the lyrics wrong and guitar solo included). If that isn't your idea of fun......then you're boring. No, just joking!! :) But do whatever it takes to make being with your husband/wife the funnest part of your day.
2. Prescribed notions of 'roles' don't always work.
We've all been exposed ad nauseam to the same tired, over-used ideas of men and women's roles in a marriage or family. To be honest, I am sick of it. Sick and tired of the restrictions and limits placed on both men and women, when I've chosen to live in freedom, a freedom given to me by Someone else. (More of that in another post)
Now, I know that roles and functions for men and women can be different, and for good reason, and these work because they point to our inherent "different-ness", but the problem arises when we or society dictate that any slight deviation from these roles is worthy of condemnation and the one failing to live up them is a poor excuse for a husband/wife. This can be manifested in the smallest ways and words; the joke made, the comment on the lack of Tupperware and baking utensils. Can you tell I'm not much of a cook? I wish I was, only to enjoy the fruits of my labors, but alas, I get stressed out in the kitchen and my husband is rather gifted at making food taste great! So, he is the cook and I will happily stick to doing the washing and reading lots of books. These roles work for us. I can only imagine the havoc I could wreak by insisting that I cook and he wash, a task he finds more odious than anything else....it would pointless and cause unnecessary drama!
3. Take forgiveness at face value.
I hate to generalise, but like cliches - they have that kernel of truth that makes them irresistible. I have found, with 2 sisters and numerous girlfriends, that taking forgiveness at face value is a challenge for some women. Not all, but enough to warrant that generalisation :) And yet with my husband, he will gladly offer it, outstretch the olive branch and happily move on once it is accepted. It has taken me almost 3 years to realise that he is not hiding a machine gun under the olive branch and that yes, he really, truly, does forgive me and wants to be done with the whole episode/argument. Astonishing! Such a relief and such a lesson to be learnt, for someone like me. Knowing that it's condition-free and offered with no strings attached doesn't always make it easy to accept, but my thick skull sometimes does remember in the nick of time. Forgiveness spurned is a hard thing to call back, so I say....embrace it!
4. Money problems will always exist - learn the different ways you 'see' money and make peace with it. Oh, and a budget.
5. No-one finds wife-insulting, husband-mocking jokes funny.
It's so tempting as a newlywed, and a middleywed to jump head first into the diving pool of marriage jokes. More specifically, the 'husband is an idiot' and 'wife is a controlling b***h' jokes.
I want to use this platform, out in cyberspace, to categorically and vehemently declare my red-hot hatred for any and all references to wives/husbands as...ball and chain, old lady, old man and anything that describes it as a "jail cell". I am all for a good joke and poking fun at the idiosyncracies of marriage and the funny things that happen in and around them. But it is so lame to keep painting marriage as this joy-killing, soul-destroying force. Really, people, why get married then?! I always think that if I can't talk about my husband in a respectful way, then why should anyone else?
6. Nothing like a partner who will fill up your car with petrol, unasked. Bliss!
I myself have only been married just over 3 years, so please, take all these 'thoughts' with a pinch....nay, a bowl of salt and know that I simply want to share some little lessons I've elarn along the way. (I fully acknowledge that this will make me face-palm and cringe with emabarassment in about 6 months time)
Yes, that's us - deliriously happy :)
I've learnt a few things about the reality of marriage that would have shocked and surprised that 21 year old in the picture. No doubt the 23 year old groom has had his fair share of shocks too!
1. It's only as fun as you make it.
Bear with me, each point might sound ridiculously cliched, but they're only cliches because they're true! I could have the most boring, draining, restrictive and repetitive marriage ever, if I wanted to. And without conscious effort, I have a sneaking suspicion that that's exactly what I will experience. Now, in saying that, it doesn't mean that everyday has to include expensive dinners or over-the-top displays of 'romance', new and improved 'surprises' or getaways, but it does mean making an effort to recast the mundane in a different light. Seeing a bike ride to the local shops as an excuse to race each other, winner takes all ('all' being whatever the winner wants), or blasting the music in the car nice and loud and singing along (getting the lyrics wrong and guitar solo included). If that isn't your idea of fun......then you're boring. No, just joking!! :) But do whatever it takes to make being with your husband/wife the funnest part of your day.
2. Prescribed notions of 'roles' don't always work.
We've all been exposed ad nauseam to the same tired, over-used ideas of men and women's roles in a marriage or family. To be honest, I am sick of it. Sick and tired of the restrictions and limits placed on both men and women, when I've chosen to live in freedom, a freedom given to me by Someone else. (More of that in another post)
Now, I know that roles and functions for men and women can be different, and for good reason, and these work because they point to our inherent "different-ness", but the problem arises when we or society dictate that any slight deviation from these roles is worthy of condemnation and the one failing to live up them is a poor excuse for a husband/wife. This can be manifested in the smallest ways and words; the joke made, the comment on the lack of Tupperware and baking utensils. Can you tell I'm not much of a cook? I wish I was, only to enjoy the fruits of my labors, but alas, I get stressed out in the kitchen and my husband is rather gifted at making food taste great! So, he is the cook and I will happily stick to doing the washing and reading lots of books. These roles work for us. I can only imagine the havoc I could wreak by insisting that I cook and he wash, a task he finds more odious than anything else....it would pointless and cause unnecessary drama!
3. Take forgiveness at face value.
I hate to generalise, but like cliches - they have that kernel of truth that makes them irresistible. I have found, with 2 sisters and numerous girlfriends, that taking forgiveness at face value is a challenge for some women. Not all, but enough to warrant that generalisation :) And yet with my husband, he will gladly offer it, outstretch the olive branch and happily move on once it is accepted. It has taken me almost 3 years to realise that he is not hiding a machine gun under the olive branch and that yes, he really, truly, does forgive me and wants to be done with the whole episode/argument. Astonishing! Such a relief and such a lesson to be learnt, for someone like me. Knowing that it's condition-free and offered with no strings attached doesn't always make it easy to accept, but my thick skull sometimes does remember in the nick of time. Forgiveness spurned is a hard thing to call back, so I say....embrace it!
4. Money problems will always exist - learn the different ways you 'see' money and make peace with it. Oh, and a budget.
5. No-one finds wife-insulting, husband-mocking jokes funny.
It's so tempting as a newlywed, and a middleywed to jump head first into the diving pool of marriage jokes. More specifically, the 'husband is an idiot' and 'wife is a controlling b***h' jokes.
I want to use this platform, out in cyberspace, to categorically and vehemently declare my red-hot hatred for any and all references to wives/husbands as...ball and chain, old lady, old man and anything that describes it as a "jail cell". I am all for a good joke and poking fun at the idiosyncracies of marriage and the funny things that happen in and around them. But it is so lame to keep painting marriage as this joy-killing, soul-destroying force. Really, people, why get married then?! I always think that if I can't talk about my husband in a respectful way, then why should anyone else?
6. Nothing like a partner who will fill up your car with petrol, unasked. Bliss!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
25 years ago...
......you'd never guess that my parents were trapped in Communist Romania. Until my dad decided he'd had enough and escaped from behind the Iron Curtain. Here they are, months before being married. Notice the picturesque haystack in the background....a legacy of Ceausescu's refusal to modernise and develop a nation that continued under food rationing well into the 1980's.
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